What do you get for the grumpy old man in your life

7:45am Sunday 23rd December 2007

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Simon Carr answers the perennial question-should it be socks or spirits for fathers at Christmas?

EVERY year around this time, millions of us are frantically searching the shops hoping to find last minute presents for awkward friends or relatives.

Like many people, my Christmas shopping starts pleasantly enough, picking up a few bits and pieces for my mum, my little brother and some women I'm hoping to touch over the coming year.

However, at the back of my mind, there is always the terrible knowledge that I will have to find something for my dad.

Talking to friends about the situation, it would seem that I am am not alone in this experience.

The reason dads are so difficult to buy for is that they tend to possess money and have no patience.

If a small child wants a new DVD you can condescendingly tell them to ask Santa for it and laugh at their disappointment before secretly sneaking to Woolworths.

However, if a dad wants a new DVD, you know he may selfishly buy it himself and then where will you be?

Last year I dashed a DVD from my dad's hands explaining maybe you will be getting that for Christmas.' My objections were waved away as he reached for his wallet and I was told oh, just get me anything.' Over the years this advice has led to him getting some truly awful presents.

These include 49 pairs of socks one year, although admittedly this was partly due to poor communication between myself, my brother and my mum.

I once saw him idly thumb through an Ian Rankin book - for the next seven years every Christmas I would turn up with Mr Rankin's latest publication under my arm.

He must bitterly regret the day he casually mentioned he liked Mars Bars which have turned up among his birthday presents ever since.

Some years, in desperation, we even resorted to getting him ornaments and novelties.

This may have been what inspired him to create the Wall of Tat - a wall dedicated to all the unwanted surprises he has received - and my brother was hanging on it until he was four.

I realised I had reached a new low last year, stealing things from the house in early December so I could replace them as Christmas presents later in the month.

This year I am experimenting with a diffierent strategy and I randomly bought Ricky Gervais: Fame.

In March, I started a rumour that my dad liked, nay loved, Ricky Gervais. I have no idea if this is true but I have told everyone it is.

My mum was the only one to question me, on the basis she had never seen him watch the chubby funster.

I acted horrified that she could know so little about the man she married and confidently claimed he was my dad's favourite comedian.

The seeds of my deceit happily sown, in November I started to tell my dad that he liked Ricky Gervais with vague references to hilarious routines and episodes of The Office.

On Christmas morning he will either be genuinely pleased or have to hide his disappointment while onlookers praise my thoughtful ways.

More importantly, it solves two problems; not knowing what to get my dad and my not having the DVD myself.

Whats the worst present you have ever received?

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